At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
