Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
