Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
