I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
