Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
