Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
