Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize