Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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