her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
