My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize