I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
two words...techno handjob
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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