my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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