I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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