Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
