apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
