I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
