Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
