wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
