omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize