I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I puked a lego.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
