i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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