Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize