you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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