Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Someone signed my nipple.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
