apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize