no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
