When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
