There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My dick has a subreddit
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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