The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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