my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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