i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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