quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
