I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
