she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
