I want you more than these girls want KFC
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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