guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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