New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
