Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
