I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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