So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
