Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
