My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
