dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
