threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
