i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
