I accidentally burped into my bong.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
