I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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