New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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