Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
