Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
