I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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