my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
