Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
