i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
