the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
