I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize