just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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