Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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