lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
