And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
