I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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