Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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